A master thief planned an attack on the Louvre Museum in Paris. He executed the plan without a flaw and made off with several paintings. However, the thief was captured by police several blocks away from the museum when his van ran out of gas. The police detective asked how he could undertake such a “perfect” crime and then get caught by forgetting to fuel his vehicle. The thief replied, “Monsieur, that is why I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
I know this is bad, but I hope you print it. What have you got Toulouse?
Sunday school teacher: “Does anyone know who lived in the Garden of Eden?”
Little voice from the back: “It was the Adams family.”
When my now-56-year-old son was 6, he came home from Sunday school and asked, “Jesus was a carpenter—did he change that job to be God?”
The best indication of consumer confidence in the stock market is unopened 401K statements. It’s almost an act of courage to open the envelope when it comes. Thus, I was more than a bit surprised when I talked to my financial adviser a few days ago. I lamented the shape of my investments and asked if he was worried.
“I sleep like a baby,” he replied.
“Really?!” I responded in amazement. “Even with the market in the shape it’s in?”
“Yep,” he said. “I sleep for a couple hours, wake up and bawl my eyes out. Then I sleep for a couple more hours, wake up and bawl my eyes out. Then I sleep for a couple more hours, wake up and bawl my eyes out.”
—George Vander Weit
Once upon a time in their marriage, my dad did something really stupid. My mom chewed him out for it. He apologized. They made up.
However, from time to time my mom mentions what he did. “Honey,” my dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.’”
“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.”
Many years ago Halloween tricksters were often quite destructive. Each year our church’s bulletin board was covered with wax, which was difficult to remove. My father finally solved the problem each year by displaying the text from Genesis 16:13: “Thou God seest me.”
No more wax!
After a difficult surgery, our visiting pastor asked my wife, “How are you dealing with the pain?” To which she replied, “I’ve been married to him for 53 years, and I think I have him under control!”
—Ade Vander Starre
My son’s Cub Scout troop was talking about “What Makes America Special?” and the discussion turned to freedom of religion. The leader asked, “Why do you all go to different churches? Because your parents tell you to come with them. And who tells your parents where to go to church?”
One of the boys answered, “Their parents!”
—Matthew A. Posthuma