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A preacher prepared for the Sunday-morning worship service, but only one person, a farmer, showed up. The preacher asked the farmer, “What do you think we should do?”

The farmer replied, “Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I’d feed it.”

So the preacher stepped behind the pulpit and began to preach . . .

and preach . . . and preach. After about two hours, he finished.

Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, “So what did you think?”

The farmer replied, “Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn’t feed it all the hay.”

—John Veltkamp

Eve knew Adam wanted a computer for his birthday but didn’t know what kind to get, so she asked him, “Adam, do you want a Compaq or a Dell PC?” Adam frowned and said, “I would rather have an Apple.” Both suddenly heard an anguished cry from their son: “No, Dad! Don’t you remember what happened last time?!”

—Ade Vander Starre

When I was in my 20s, I traveled around quite a bit, working in Iowa and California. My cousin and I were talking about what I was doing with my life. He was somewhat older than I was and told me I should be getting settled and putting down some roots.

Not long afterward I went to hear this cousin sing in a quartet at a church hymn sing. The quartet sang “This World Is Not My Home, I’m Just Passing Through.”

—John Davids

This year the U.S. taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. Here’s a brief explanation of this very exciting program:

Q.    What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A.    It’s money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.    Where will the government get this money?

A.    From taxpayers.

Q.    So the government is giving me back my own money?

A.    Only a smidgen.

Q.    What’s the purpose of this payment?

A.    You are encouraged to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.    But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A.    No comment.

—George Vander Weit

A 5-year-old boy wanted to caddy for his uncle’s golf game. “You have to count my strokes,” the uncle informed him. “How much is six plus nine plus eight?”

 “Five,” answered the nephew.

“OK,” his uncle said, “let’s go.”

—John Veltkamp

A lady who never married passed away at the age of 85. She left a few instructions with her brother, stating what she’d like for her funeral. In one request she wrote, “I do not want to have men for my pallbearers.” Why? “They never took me out when I was young, so I don’t want them taking me out now.”

—Elizabeth Joosse
Racine, Wis.

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