Punch Lines

Point of View
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A police officer stops an elderly man around 2 a.m. and asks where he’s going at such an hour.

The man replies, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as on smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of day?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

—Anonymous

For several weeks my daughter and son-in-law had been talking to 3-year-old Charlie about going to the Children’s Worship and Little Lambs program at church. They told him about the fun things he would do in Little Lambs and the songs he would sing. After some encouragement, he went to the first session of the new fall season. Later that Sunday afternoon, we were going for a ride in the car with Charlie, and I asked him excitedly if he had enjoyed Little Lambs that morning. He looked up at me from the backseat, crossed his little arms, and said, “Yes, Grandma, I like it.” And with a sad sigh he exclaimed, “But there were no lambs there!”

—Sharon Gallup

My mother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning when he made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. At the bottom of the mug she discovered three little green plastic army men. “Honey,” she asked her grandson, “what are the army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV that ‘the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”

—Clarence Wildeboer

This is true:

Grandma, “Jack, I hear you just had a birthday!”

“Yes,” Jack said.

“How old are you now?”

“I’m 4.”

“Grandma just had a birthday too. How old do you think I am?”

“10,000?”

—Lucille Van Dyke

My son, age 3 last year, was not obeying. He argued and continued being very defiant. Finally I lost my temper and sent him off to his room. After I cooled down, I went to his room and first told him that he needed to listen to and obey Mommy. But I also knew I had to tell him I was sorry for losing my patience with him. Later that evening I was tucking him into bed and we were getting ready to pray, when he looked up at me and asked, “Mommy, did you find your patience yet?”

—Jodi Dawson

Pastor Dave was giving the children’s message to the kids in front of church. His topic was the Bible. As a part of his message, he told the children about his neighbor who lives across the street. My son spoke up after he finished the line below. (Sam is 4 years old.):

Pastor Dave: “I know a man who lives across the street from me but doesn’t go to church or know the Bible. I’m not sure how to tell him about Jesus.”

Sam: “Just look both ways and cross the street!”

—Jen Schoenher

One Sunday the sermon in our church was about “The Vine and the Branches.” Roseanne, who was in charge of the children’s message, brought in some grape vines from her garden. She handed them out to the children to hold and then asked them what kind of branches they were. Right away a little girl shouted out, “Poison ivy!”

—R. Feyen

Just before the congregation called its first female minister, the members agreed to treat her like any other new minister. One of the members always took the new minister fishing, so shortly after she arrived he took her out in his boat. They fished for several hours, but she didn’t catch a thing. Finally, the minister said, “I need to get back to the office, and I have to make some hospital visits.”

“OK, we can leave,” the church member said.

“No, that’s OK,” the minister replied. “You’re doing well, and you can continue to fish.”  She got out of the boat and walked across the water to her car.

On Sunday the fisherman reported to the congregation, “She can’t catch any fish, and she can’t swim either.”

—George Vander Weit

The old man had been a fisherman all his life. As he lay on his deathbed, he extracted a promise from his two sons that they would give him a burial in the sea that he so loved.

Several days after his demise, the two sons sewed their father’s body in a shroud, placed him in a small row boat, and set out from the shore.

After 10 minutes of rowing, the eldest son asked his brother if he thought they were far enough out. The younger jumped into the sea and found the water only to his waist. “No,” he said, “keep rowing.”

After another 10 minutes the elder son asked again whether they were far enough out. Again the younger jumped into the water, but now found it just below his chin. “A little farther,” he said.

Another 10 minutes and the older brother said, “This has got to be far enough.”

A third time the younger jumped out of the boat and this time disappeared under the waves. After nearly a minute he reappeared, sputtering and gasping. “Yes,” he said, “far enough. Hand me the shovel.”

—Dave Hollander

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Comments

while visiting relatives in holland my husband explained to our children that they should be using a fork to eat their fries as is the custom there. he added that since we are canadians we can break the rules. several months later while eating fries at home our four year old Ian quipped " if we were in holland we'd have to use a fork, but since we are christians, we can break the rules!"

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