A man called his pastor and said, “This Sunday morning I’d like you to pray for my pancreas.” The pastor replied, “I’ll gladly pray for you, but I really don’t pray for specific organs of the body.”
“Oh yes you do,” the man responded. “Last Sunday you prayed for a loose liver.”
—George Vander Weit
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man, he asked him, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a Scripture verse at you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38s!”
(Repent and be baptized . . . in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Acts 2:38)
—Clarence and Harriet Vander Weele
The prospective father-in-law asked his daughter’s fiancé, “Young man, are you able to support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”
A poster was placed in the church basement to raise money for an organization. On the poster in large letters were the words Pop Can Drive.
Some clever person penciled in, So can Ma.
—Ken Van Dellen
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone. But he didn’t want his mother to walk with him. So she asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so he wouldn’t notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyhow, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So she agreed.
The next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy. She did this for the whole week.
After several days the other boy asked Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest and her daughter, Marcy.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who is she, and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm. And in the Psalm it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”
—Robert Van Singel
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. When he asked me how old I was, I told him, “62.” He was quiet for a moment. Then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”