Mike went to a psychiatrist and said, “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
The doctor responded, “I can help you. If you meet with me three times a week, we should be able to get rid of those fears in a year.”
“How much do you charge?” Mike asked.
“Eighty dollars per visit,” answered the doctor.
Mike replied, “I’ll think about it and get back to you if I want to do that.”
Six months later the doctor met Mike on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.
Mike responded, “Well, 80 bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! While I was considering it, a barber cured me for nothing while he was cutting my hair. I was so thrilled about saving all that money that I bought a new pickup!”
“Is that so!” the doctor exclaimed. “And how did your barber cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
—George Vander Weit
Awoman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it. Too late she heard, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
—Jena Vander Ploeg
Alittle boy in Children’s Worship was asked what song he would like to sing. He replied, “The Kinky Turtle song.” Shocked and confused, the leader asked the little boy to clarify his choice. The boy explained, “You know, just like the grown-ups sing, ‘Lead On, O Kinky Turtle.’”
Overheard in church:
During the reading of the Ten Commandments, a boy near me poked his mother and said in a rather loud whisper, “Mom, what’s ‘committing poultry’?”
After watching our angry 4-year-old son ricochet a small toy off his brother’s head, my wife asked him if he had ever heard of the Golden Rule. Knowing he hadn’t yet been taught it at home (that is, not under that name), she was surprised to hear him answer “Yes.” Thinking that we needed to commend our Sunday school or preschool teachers, she asked him to explain the rule. His instant, emphatic answer: “Don’t make calves!”
Recently my 5-year-old grandson was evaluated for admission to a private school.
He was told he was very, very smart.
“Everyone in my family is smart,” he responded. “It’s in the pants.”
—Jim Kok via Jan Lanser
Iwas sitting with my 5-year-old daughter, looking through photo albums from my wedding. She asked why my father-in-law was standing “up front with Daddy and Mommy” in all the pictures. I explained that he married us. Talking with her about what she would like at her wedding someday, I asked, “Wouldn’t that be neat if Grandpa married you?” Her face lit up and she said, “Yes! But isn’t he already married to Beppe [Grandma]?”
Our Christian school did not yet have grades one and two, so we sent our son to the local Catholic school. One day he brought a playmate home. When the friend saw me wearing my clerical collar, he was startled. Finally he managed to say, “Joe, I didn’t know your dad was a father!”
—William L. Vander Beek
Aman was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” says the neighbor. “What kind is it?”