Punch Lines

Point of View
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John’s teacher told him to write a short story about off-shore drilling and the damage it can cause. He wrote, “Oil spills is very dangerous. My mother opened a can of salmon and it had a lot of oily stuff in it and the fish was dead.”

—George Lieuwen

The Sunday school kids were asked if anyone had money for the collection. Our 4-year-old daughter replied, “I don’t have any, because my dad didn’t have any cents.”

—Mandi Palmbos

The new pastor was leading the music for a small church. His first-Sunday jitters became apparent after the choir completed a beautiful anthem. Relieved, he turned to the congregation and said, “Let’s all stand and sing ‘When We All Get to Heaven’ while the choir goes down below.”

—Sue Lauritzen

When I was growing up, it was polite for children to wait while adults were talking. If the situation was urgent, kids could say, “Excuse me. . . .” I realized times had changed when my grandson Tim rushed in and said, “Grammy, can I pause you?”

—Simon and Sharon Hilbrand

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

—Herm Kelderman

The days are gettin’ longer
The nights are gettin’ black
The stairs are gettin’ steeper
And harder on your back.

Your glasses are gettin’ thicker
Your waist is gettin’ too
The hair which you once parted
Has now departed you.

Each day it seems more difficult
When your food you have to chew
‘Cause your gums are gettin’ more
And your teeth are gettin’ few.

Your legs might be quite shaky
But your seat is really stout
While the former got quite thinner
The latter thickened out.
—Dave Hollander

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”

—B. Bajema

I asked my 5-year-old granddaughter, Adelyn, if she’d learned any new songs at school.

She promptly began singing: “I will sing all the verses of the Lord forever; I will sing, I will sing. I will sing all the verses of the Lord forever; I will sing all the verses of the Lord.”

—Kathy Laning

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