Following a discussion about miracles, the teacher took the class to the zoo. As they walked along, they saw a lion and lamb in the same cage. The zookeeper overheard one of the amazed students say, “That’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” he replied. “Every day I put another lamb in the cage.”
According to my medical records, my blood is Type C. But I think it’s a Type O.
—Dave De Wit
Patient: How much will it cost to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist. Fifty dollars.
Patient: You charge fifty dollars for thirty seconds of work?
Dentist: Well, if you prefer, I can work more slowly.
A four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
—Carla Van Den Hout
A patient was wheeled into an emergency room. The nurse on duty asked the patient, “On a scale of one to ten, with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your level is now?”
The patient shook her head. “Oh, I don’t know. I never was very good with math.”
The person who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
My husband was having breakfast at a local diner with our 2-year-old granddaughter. Because she was talking rather loudly, he asked her to talk a little bit softer. She replied, “Why? We’re not in church!” He told her that she might be bothering some of the other people. Before he knew it, she blurted out loudly, “Sorry, people!”
Joseph of Arimathea arrived home one Friday night and told his wife that he had given their tomb to someone else to use.
A bit upset, she demanded, “How could you do that? After all the time and money you spent building it! It was just finished and has never been used. What are we going to use now for ourselves?”
Joseph answered, “Don’t worry. It’s only for the weekend.”
What can you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium or curium, then you have to barium.
A father was skating on an outdoor rink with his two children, ages 8 and 4.
A TV reporter spotted them and asked if they had made New Year’s resolutions.
“Yes,” replied the dad. “I am going to the gym more often and am going to watch my diet.”
The 8-year-old, nodding all the while, said, “I am going to eat only healthy food, no junk food.”
The young lad waited his turn, and then said, “I am going to eat pizza every day.”
When our granddaughter was 4 years old and her brother was 9 months old, their mom warned little Kyle several times not to climb onto a certain end table, as he was likely to hurt himself. After he ignored her and kept trying to do so, his big sister Megan said to their mother, “He’s being real naughty. I thought that’s why we had him baptized!”