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I always carry a pocketful of Tootsie Rolls that I give to kids at church. Our minister’s not-yet 2-year-old son was being held by his grandpa. When I gave the youngster the Tootsie Roll, his grandpa said, “What do you say?”

The boy held it out and said, “Open it.”

—Tom Cavanaugh


After reciting the Lord’s Prayer with my children one evening, I asked them who gave us that prayer. My son quickly replied, “It was Ms. Zwep!” I’m sure he’s not the first child to think his first-grade teacher walks on water!

—Heidi de Vries


Husband: “Why do you weep and sniffle at the movies over the imaginary woes of people you’ve never met?”

Wife: “For the same reason that you scream and yell when a man you don't know slides into second base.”

—Dick Bylsma


A woman invited some people for dinner. At the table, she turned to the 6-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I don’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” said her mother.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people for dinner?”

—Bruce D. Quinn


A  friend of mine mentioned that she had an appointment coming up with her son’s Spanish immersion kindergarten teacher. I knew that regular parent teacher meetings were not due for a while yet, so I asked if there was a problem. She related a conversation she’d had with her son. “Mom, I can speak three languages now,” he said excitedly.

“Three?” she asked.

“Yes,” he replied proudly. “English, Spanish, and inappropriate.”

—Jan Veltkamp


Did you hear the one about the short fortune teller who escaped from prison? He was a small medium at large.

—L. Hardy


I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century,” she said. “I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”

I can tell you this much: That fly never knew what hit him!

—Sue Lauritzen


On Sunday after church, a mother asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the mother was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for a visit. She asked what the previous week’s Sunday school lesson had been about.

He replied, “Be not afraid; thy Comforter is coming.”

—Peter Haagan

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