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At a recent fundraising event, the speaker rambled on and on. Finally he paused and asked, “Is there a clock somewhere in this room?”

Someone shot back, “No, but there’s a calendar on the wall directly behind you.”

—Rich Brandes

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask a question.

The startled driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet.

Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger said, “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “It’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver—for the last 25 years I’ve been driving a funeral van.”

—Cyndi Boss

As I walked out to the church parking lot after a meeting, I realized that my car keys were not in my pocket. I went back to the meeting room, but they weren’t there either. I realized that I must have left them in the car, something I sometimes do when I don’t want to carry a ring of keys in my pocket.

My wife objects to this practice and has warned me several times that our car will be stolen.

I came to the terrifying conclusion that she was correct, because the parking lot was empty. Immediately I called the police, gave them my location, and confessed that I had left my keys in the car. Then I made the more difficult call. “Honey,” I stammered, “I left the keys in the car again, and it's been stolen.”

My wife responded, “The car has not been stolen. I dropped you off at your meeting!”

Embarrassed, I pleaded, “Please come and get me.”

My wife retorted, “I will after I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car!”

—George Vander Weit

Conversing with my four-year-old grandson on the subject of God’s omnipresence, he queried, “But how can God see everyone at the same time?”

Before I could come up with an answer, he added, “I know! He can do it through their cell phones.”

—Faith Bosserman

Before Christmas, my three-year-old daughter Elena came home from church school and said that they had learned about the three wise men.

I said, “Oh good, honey. What presents did the three wise men give Jesus?”

She replied, “Gold, frankincense, and moonshine.”

I promptly called our pastor to make sure none of the teachers were watching old episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard during lunch!

—Mike Aldrink

Recently I was explaining the difference between mamas, grandmas, and great-grandmas to my four-year-old granddaughter. Finally I asked her what she would call me.

Her answer was “Old Lady.”

—Frances B. Kok

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking.

I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.

“It sure is,” I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

—Herm Kelderman

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