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An elderly man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

—George Vander Weit

Sam shows up at the monthly prayer meeting, seeking help. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the pastor. The pastor puts his hands on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next week.”

—Dan Brucken

While Dad was driving his children to school, they passed an entrance to a cul-de-sac. The kindergartner in the backseat said, “Boy, I’m glad I don’t live on that street.” When Dad asked him why, he replied, “Those houses don’t have any electricity.”

“How do you know that?” his father asked.

The kindergartner answered, “The sign says no outlet.”

—Peggy Bierma

It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” Johnny’s parents explained.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, he shows up!”

—Gene Potaka

What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of registration. The young girl responded, “He’s a magician.”

“That’s interesting,” the secretary replied. “What’s his best trick?”

“I like the one where he saws people in half,” said the girl.

“That does sound pretty impressive,” the secretary responded. She then continued to complete the registration form and asked the girl, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

She replied, “Yep, one half-brother and two half-sisters.”

—George Vander Weit

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should have something “practical” for her birthday. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. “It’s your account, darling,” Mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for “name of your former bank.” After a slight hesitation, she put down “Piggy.”

—John Veltkamp

I teach science in a Christian middle school. In study hall one day, I had this conversation with a student:

“Mr. Lubbers, who was it that turned into a pillar of salt?”

“Lot’s wife.”

“Was her name Sodom or Gomorrah?”

—Clay Lubbers

I have a habit of speaking to everyone I meet while out for a walk. My granddaughter was with me one time when I greeted to a gentleman along the way. Afterward, I asked her, “Didn’t you meet that man one time when your father took you to Tim Hortons?

“Well, Grandma,” Rachel said, “the only old people I know are relatives!”

—Muriel Robertson

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