An attractive young woman is put on a diet by her doctor.
The doctor tells her patient, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the patient returns, she has lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why that’s amazing!” the doctor tells her. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The young woman nods and answers, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I would never make it that third day.”
“From hunger?” asks the doctor.
“No,” the patient says, “from skipping.”
Grudgingly, Jake finally gave in to the urgings of his family and friends to investigate the purchase of a hearing aid. He didn’t want to spend much money on one, so his first question to the audiologist was, “How much do they cost?”
“That depends,” the doctor replied. “They range between $2 and $10,000.”
Jake was overjoyed with the first figure and promptly said, “Let’s see the $2 model.”
The doctor reached under the counter and instructed Jake, “Just stick this button in your ear and run the string attached to it down to your pocket.”
“How does it work?” Jake
“It doesn’t do a thing,” the audiologist replied, “but when people see that in your ear, they’ll talk louder.”
—George Vander Weit
Have you heard the story of the mother with the 8yearold boy who didn’t talk? She took him to specialist after specialist, who consistently told her, “Your son is healthy and intelligent, and we don’t know what is wrong with him.” Finally one of the specialists suggested she take the boy to church. “Well,” said the mom, “we hardly ever go, but I’m ready to try anything.” So off they went to church, nice and early. When the organist began playing, the boy turned to his mother and said, “Mom, I have lots of things to say to you!” The mother was stunned and phoned the doctor immediately afterward. “How did you know that going to church would help?”
“Easy,” said the doctor. “Everyone talks during the prelude.”
On Easter Sunday one of our local Lutheran churches made arrangements for children to stand in front of church holding large letters that spelled out
ALLELUIA. A rumble of laughter arose from the congregation when the church pastor observed one little boy wandering about and loudly instructed the child, “Ben, get the L over here.”
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members argued that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the congregational meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.
“Yes,” he said with a wry smile. “Moving on to greener pastors.”
—Linda Brinks, with thanks to Cybersalt Digest, www.cybersalt.org
A young pastor visited a retired pastor for help in dealing with a matter that was causing problems in the congregation she served. “What should the congregation do during the benediction?” the young pastor asked. “Should they bow their heads with eyes closed?”
“That’s the tradition of some but not all,” the retired pastor replied.
The young pastor responded, “Well then, should they face me with their eyes open?”
Again the pastor replied, “That’s the tradition of some but not all.”
A bit exasperated the young preacher said, “Based on your years of experience, I was hoping you could give me a more solid answer than that. All my congregation does is fight and squabble over this issue.”
The retired pastor exclaimed, “Young lady, that’s the tradition.”
—George Vander Weit
I had been singing several Sunday school songs to my 2-year-old as we went about our days. One song she heard often was, “I will make you fishers of men, fishers of men, fishers of men. I will make you fishers of men, if you follow me.” I’d never heard her sing any of these songs until one day she came out with “I will make you fishers of men, fishers of men, fishers of men. I will make you fishers of men, if you follow Mommy.”
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