Punch Lines

Point of View
|

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he’d just thrown away a worn Bible he’d found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-something-or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it.”

“I can’t believe it! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half-a-million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much. It was scribbled all over in the margin by some guy named Luther.”

—Donald H. Bouma

Retired and living in a small town somewhere in the West, Pastor Van was surprised to find his wife coming home from the grocery store with little items she had not paid for. This disturbed him greatly. Although he had a heart-to-heart talk with her, the pilfering continued until she was eventually caught and brought before a judge.

“Mrs. Van, did you take this can of peaches without paying for it?”

“Yes, your Honor, I did.”

Calling for a can opener and a dish, the judge opened the can and poured the contents into the bowl. He counted the peaches and said, “Mrs. Van, taking that which does not belong to you is not right. You stole a can containing six peaches. I think that giving you six days in jail would be a just sentence.”

“Your Honor, please let me speak.”

“What is it, Pastor Van?”

“Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”

—Conn Witt

At the church I attend, four deacons rise before the message to collect the offering, two in the center aisle and one in each outside aisle. One Sunday my wife and I were sitting toward the front of the sanctuary, and I noticed an elder get up with three deacons. I figured the deacons were shorthanded, which was right. The elder grabbed three collection baskets and started on the opposite side from us. There were only four baskets.

One deacon picked up the remaining basket, shrugged her shoulders, and began passing it on our side.

When she got up to us, she whispered, “It’s going to take a little longer to collect on this side today.”

My wife leaned over me and quietly replied, “Yes, but it will be a lot fuller.”

—Dan Brucken

In a rush, I went through a red light. Then to my left I saw a police car. I slowed down, but the officer had already decided to pull me over. I handed my license and insurance to the officer, who took it back to his car. As I waited, I noticed he had a priest with him. When the officer came back he said, “The good reverend has decided to let you go today.” I thanked the officer and told him to tell the good reverend I was late for a meeting at church.

—Patrick Vermolen

X