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Having witnessed a crime, a young boy was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney, who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.

“I thought so,” said the lawyer. “Who was it?”

“My father, sir.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”

—John Veltkamp

I was invited to speak to my daughter’s fourth-grade class about my job as a corrections officer at a state prison. Judging from the loud chorus of groans, my answer to a question about food probably did more than anything else to encourage the kids to stay out of trouble.

When asked what prisoners eat, I replied, “When you break the law and go to prison, you have to eat liver at least once a week.”  

—Connon Barclay

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You probably don’t want to sit there,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother!” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” the usher asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

—John Vanderwal

One of our spring worship services focused on the value of each person in the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12). For the children’s message, I put a Mr. Potato Head toy together with the kids, but I had hidden the nose. I pulled out a “note left by the nose” that read, “Don’t bother looking for me. I’m not important.” But the kids found the nose, and the point was well made. Following the service, however, the entire Mr. Potato Head went missing. Later a toddler approached me with a cryptic note in capital letters: “DEER PASTOR, IF YOU WANT TO SEE MR. P HED AGAIN YOU WILL MENTION PICKLES IN YOUR NEXT SERMON AND DELIVER FRESH COFFEE TO THE NURSRY ATTENDANTS, OR WE WILL FEED ‘HASH BROWNS’ TO THE KIDS. MU-HA-HA-HA.”

—Daryl DeKlerk

Painted above the cribs in a church nursery in Twain Harte, California:

“We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.”

—Conn Witt

My wife asked, “What are you doing today?”

“Nothing,” I replied.

“You did that yesterday,” she said.

“I didn’t finish.”

—George Vander Weit

For our family the beginning of school is an exciting time. So when my daughter’s son Zachary was starting kindergarten, it was a day of excitement, with Mom and Grammy walking him to school. Once the bell rang, off he trotted with his new backpack larger than life. My daughter and I watched him go with tears—ours, not his. We went out for coffee and a little shopping, returning as the kindergarten class was coming out of the building. Zac was the last one out, and we rushed up to him with great expectations to ask how it went.

“Phew!” he said. “I’m glad that’s over. I’m never going back in there again!”

—Betty Kinnas

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