A visiting minister was giving the offertory prayer: “Dear, Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust. . . .” He would have continued, but as he paused for breath one little girl leaned over to her mother and asked in a shrill little voice, “Mommy, “WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point.
Aman was delivering medical supplies when his van ran out of gas. The only thing he had available as a container for gas was a bedpan. He walked to a nearby gas station, filled the bedpan, walked back to the van, and began pouring the gas into the tank. A truck driver who saw what he was doing yelled, “I’m not a religious person, but I do admire your faith!”
—George Vander Weit
A clue that you’re out of shape: Your record is 34 pushups, and you know you could have done more if the driver of the ice cream truck would have taken your charge card.
—It’s George again.
As an elementary school principal, I hear some great “out of the mouths of babes” quotes. Here’s a favorite: One of our little preschoolers proudly announced it was her fourth birthday. I made the usual comment, “My, what a big girl you’re getting to be!” Then I went on to tell her that my mom was also having her birthday this month and that she was turning 103. The little girl’s eyes grew wide with wonder. “Wow,” she exclaimed. “She must be VERY, VERY tall!”
We were sitting down for dinner one evening. Gina (5) and Carmen (3) had said grace, and everyone started to eat. Except for Gina, who did not particularly like what was being served and was rather vocal about her dislikes. After some stern warnings from Mom, Carmen piped up, “Mommy, I forgot to pray for something.” Again we folded our hands, and she started to pray, “Dear Lord, Gina is being really bad. She yelled no to Mommy, and she won’t eat her food.” As the prayer went on Gina turned redder and redder. Finally, bursting into tears, she said, “Carmen, you didn’t have to tell God!”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy, the eldest of his siblings, answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah—he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter—she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. The Lord drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Luke tells us that the early disciples were all in one Accord. And 2 Corinthians 4:8 describes a Volkswagen Beetle: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed.”