Noticing With Eyes of Love: What We Can Learn About Gift Giving From the Magi

The key to good gift giving lies in noticing with eyes of love.

There is a luminous moment in Anne of Green Gables when Matthew Cuthbert, shy, bachelor potato farmer and newly minted father figure, gives his Anne Girl the gift of her dreams: A dress with puffed sleeves. What struck me wasn’t just the dress itself or how much she loved it. It was the attunement that went into it.

“Matthew ... noticed a scarcity in the one he adored. ... It finally dawned on him that Anne was dressed differently from other girls in Avonlea. … A girl that shone like Anne should not be gowned so,” author L.M. Montgomery writes.

Matthew noticed—he really paid attention. So that first snowy Christmas in Avonlea, Anne received a gift that spoke volumes about the way she was cared for, heeded, and understood for who she was—a cherished child of a loving father.

As we approach gift-giving season, this story made me think about the kind of giver I want to be. Like Matthew, like the Father of lights, the “giver of every good and perfect gift,” I want to notice my recipients with eyes of love.

My “love language” is gifts, which means that I “thrive on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort” behind a gift (according to 5lovelanguages.com), both in the giving and the receiving.

How can I give meaningful gifts that will increase my bond with the recipient? How can you? Gifts can express love and care and deepen relationships with those we adore. In giving gifts at Christmas, we are fashioning ourselves after God, who sent us his great Gift.

But as the mother of three adult children (and one daughter-in-law) who were all born in December, the frenzy around Christmas gift giving sometimes sends me right over the edge. This was especially true when my kids were small. I’m not alone: A mom friend told me about the time her in-laws woke up her 3-year-old daughter to open more presents, at which point the child began to howl.

When I feel overwhelmed with gift giving, it’s grounding to go back to the first Christmas and gift giving occasion, when the wise men bestowed gifts on baby Jesus.

How did we get from offering gold, frankincense, and myrrh to trampling our neighbors on Black Friday, going into debt to afford the latest electronic gizmo, and making a kid bawl by forcing her to open another pile of presents? How do we get back to the gift-giving basics the stargazers modeled?

One antidote came from a friend, AB. “Why not follow the ‘Principle of the Three Wise Men’?” she asked. “Something you want, something you need, and a surprise.” AB and her family adopted a similar framework: something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read.

I latched onto the wise men and their three gifts. “Why should we get more gifts than Jesus?” I asked my then-7-year-old one Christmas. He gravely nodded. It appealed to his childhood logic. Twenty-one years later, we are still operating under that gift-giving paradigm.

How does the three-point principle fit the actual gifts of the magi, that shiny alliance shrouded in stardust and mystery? Our family's three categories don’t correspond perfectly to gold, frankincense, and myrrh—and Matthew’s gospel doesn't suggest they should.

But what can we learn from those fathers of gift-giving and their three abiding tributes?

Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar (the names given to them in later Christian tradition, circa the eighth century) inspired the idea of giving gifts at Christmastide. They modeled generosity and restraint, while amplifying meaning and love in their presentation to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Gold fits most under the “something you want” heading. For Mary and Joseph, gold was equivalent to a thick wad of cash, their ticket out of Herod’s murderous path and to safe haven in Egypt. It could also fit under the need category, but its high value could be something special desired by the recipient.

Frankincense was a costly incense used in religious ceremonies and could represent something essential that elevates or supports daily life, also known as a need.

Myrrh might be a stretch, but as an oil or perfume with healing medicinal properties, it has been adapted as the “surprise,” a thoughtful item chosen by the giver.

Gold, frankincense, and myrrh were widely available in the days when Jesus was born, and all three gifts were generous yet practical, costly but with deep value.

Even though I don’t have a treasure chest from which to offer Christmas gifts, I can still learn from the magi to give with open hands and an open heart. They teach me how to not feed the frenzy; they teach me to notice my recipients and their wants and needs with a heart of love.

The wise men’s paradigm has been a grace to our family. Keeping it to just three gifts means we don’t go overboard, and there’s a certain peace and security in that. The “something you need” category has been filled with snow pants, hockey sticks, hunting bibs, sweaters, bookshelves, tools, and other such prudent, though surprisingly well-liked, presents.

“Something you want” means, obviously, we all get something we really fancy.

The last category is my favorite. Who doesn’t love surprises? This is where we as parents find some hidden gem, something way off our kids’ and each other’s radars. Last Christmas, I got my musician son, Jonah, an artisanal mug with Aretha Franklin, the White Stripes, and other Michigan music artists on it. He can sip his coffee in Kansas, knowing that his dear old mother loves him and gets him, at least the part of him that misses Michigan and relishes music.

Here are a few ideas for you as you gear up to give and receive this Christmas:

• It Doesn’t Have to Come in a Box: This year, give your loved ones the gift of an experience. How about tickets to a sports event or play? Membership to a zoo or art museum or aquarium? It’s an investment in relationships, rather than electronics and toys.
• Go Homemade: Why not give your recipients something made by hand? I’m not the craftiest lady in the bunch, but even I can assemble “snowman kits” using hats and scarves from the thrift store, Oreos for eyes and carrots for the noses, and “snow spray paint,” using dollar-store spritzers and a couple of drops of food coloring. Just add snow.
• Foodie Gifts: I used to whip up a batch of cheese and broccoli quiches as teacher gifts. If I made them four at once using refrigerated crusts (I watch for sales), it took me 20 minutes in kitchen time and cost me $3-$4 per quiche. What I have learned is that most Yuletide food gifts are sweet, and recipients are thankful for something savory they can eat as a meal.

Let's learn from the ancient teachers of the Orient, from Matthew Cuthbert, and from God himself to notice those we give gifts to with a heart of love. May we intentionally defy the gluttony of too many presents and expectations, along with the tears-inducing pressure.

May we imbue our gift-giving with balance, thoughtfulness, and worth, offering presents (but not too many) that will mean something special on Christmas morning and beyond.

May we fall down in awe like those wise, wise men did, beholding Immanuel, and basking in his presence. May we infuse the season with wonder and joy as we cry out together, “Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!”