Punch Lines

Point of View

At 15 years old, I was a skinny lad needing something to occupy my time. My uncle took pity on me, putting me to work as a helper for his construction crew. The first day on the job, we stopped at a lumberyard. I was told to go to the clerk inside and pick up a 4x2.

I did as I was told, and the following conversation ensued:

“Hi, what can I do for you?”

“Hi. My uncle sent me in for a 4x2.”

“Don’t you mean a 2x4?”

“I’ll go check.”

I ran out to the truck and came back.

“Yes, a 2x4.”

“OK. How long do you want it?”

“I don’t know. I’ll go check.”

I ran out once more and came back with the answer:

“Oh, we will need it for a very long time. We’re building a house!”

—Cornelius Witt

My 3-year-old granddaughter was continually mimicking the action of throwing a ball, so my son asked her what she was doing. To this she nonchalantly replied, “I’m throwing a tantrum!”

—Laurie Vonk

At his check-up, an elderly man said, “Doc, I have chest pains, headaches, back pain, nausea, earaches, constipation, burning in the eyes, congested lungs. . . .”

“Sir,” said the doctor, you complain you have so many things. What don’t you have?”

The man answered, “Teeth!”

—Jan Veltkamp

During the children’s message, Mr. Norm was discussing Jesus appearing to the disciples after his resurrection. He asked the kids, “Why could Jesus just appear through the locked door to the disciples?”

Our son Sam answered, “Because he is basically God.”

To which Mr. Norm replied, “At this point, Sam is a notch ahead of the disciples!”

—Jen Schoenherr

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage.

Attached to the back of the carriage was this hand-printed sign: “Energy-efficient vehicle: runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

—Peter Haagen

Our 3-year-old, Sophie, always requests three things for herself—such as reading three books before bed—and she thinks her 1-year-old brother, Tommy, should have just one. Her reasoning is that she is 3 and Tommy is 1.

Using this logic, I thought I’d found a good way to deal with her picky eating. I suggested, “Why don’t you eat three bites of food for every bite Tommy eats?”

She pondered this for a moment, and then replied, “No. But I can have three bites of chocolate while he has one.”

—Xiaohong Zhou

Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Rachael, told us that her teacher had told them the story of Adam and Eve, and how they disobeyed God, who had told them not to eat the apple from the one tree.

After that, she said, Adam and Eve were still hungry, and God still loved them even though they had disobeyed him. So God made some more apples.

—Effie Bierling

A visiting pastor was preaching a very lengthy sermon. After the service, Gladys noticed a visitor and approached to welcome him to the church.

“Hello!” she said. “I’m Gladys Dunn.”

To which the visitor quickly replied, “You can say that again!”

—Dick Bylsma