Punch Lines

Point of View

While picking up some groceries, a retiree noticed a woman with a girl about 3 years old. When they passed by the bakery section, the little girl asked for a chocolate doughnut. Her mother said no. When the girl started to whine and fuss, the mother quietly said, “Now, Mary, we only have half the aisles left to go through. Don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”

They came to the beverage aisle, and the little girl begged for root beer. When her mother turned her down, she began to cry and shout. “There, there, Mary,” the mother said, “only two more aisles to go.”

When they arrived at the checkout counter, the little girl clamored for gum. She burst into a tantrum when her mother told her no. Again, the mother quietly said, “Mary, we’ll be through this checkout line in five minutes, and then you can go home and take a nice nap.”

The retiree followed the mother and child to the parking lot, where he stopped the woman and said, “I want you to know that I’m really impressed with how patient you are with your daughter Mary.”

The mother responded, “Oh, my daughter’s name is Alice. I’m Mary.”

—George Vander Weit

An 80-year-old woman told a reporter that she had just married for the fourth time. She said her new husband was a funeral director.

“That’s interesting,” the reporter said. “What did your first three husbands do?”

She said the first was a banker, the second was a circus ringmaster, and the third was a preacher.

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

—Lucy Kampstra

D o you know why Noah never took up fishing?

He had only two worms.

—Herm Kelderman

Alittle old Christian lady comes out onto her front porch every morning and shouts, “Praise the Lord!”

And every morning the atheist next door yells back, “There is no God!”

This goes on for weeks. “Praise the Lord!” shouts the lady. “There is no God!” responds the neighbor.

As time goes by, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then concludes, “Praise the Lord!”

The next morning when she goes out onto the porch, there are the groceries she asked for. Of course, she shouts, “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha! I bought those groceries. There is no God!”

The lady looks at him and smiles. She shouts, “Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me, Lord, you got the competition to pay for the groceries!”

—Connon Barclay

The teenager had been in the boutique for several hours and finally chose the “perfect” prom dress. So the saleswoman was surprised when the girl returned the next day with the outfit.

“Can I exchange this for something else?”

“What seems to be the problem?” asked the saleswoman.

“My parents like it.”

—John Veltkamp

On an outing with residents from the long-term care facility where I serve as chaplain, we passed through the countryside. The residents were commenting on who had lived in the various homes. Edna pointed out a farm place that was once home to a boy whom she had dated. I looked at her and suggested that in her day she likely had to “beat the boys off with a stick!” With a twinkle in her eye, Edna smiled and replied, “Yes, I did . . . but I didn’t.”

—Wick Hubers

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