Punch Lines

No Kidding

Mother’s Day was coming up. The kindergarten teacher gave her pupils exact instructions for a sweet-smelling gift that could be placed in a dresser drawer. “Don’t let your mothers know what we’re making because it’s going to be a surprise,” she commanded. Each student was to bring an orange and a large box of whole cloves. But the surprise was on the teacher. The next morning one student showed up with his orange and a large box of old clothes.

—George Groen

Last summer I went to a distant town for the wedding of a cousin I see only once in a while. We arrived just in time, but after the long car ride my boys and I needed to stop at the restroom before heading into the sanctuary. It was a small restroom, and the stall was occupied. While we waited, my oldest son asked me about the relatives we’d already greeted. “Who was the guy with the kinda gray hair and the big smile?” he asked. “That’s my Uncle Andy,” I replied. “He’s your grandma’s brother.” “Yes, but who is he in the wedding?” Jacob insisted. “He’s the father of the bride,” I said. “Probably the third most important person here today.” “Who’s first?” Philip quizzed. “Well, the bride, of course—my cousin Theresa. The bride is always the most important person in a wedding. The second most important person would be her mom, Aunt Jane, ‘cause the mother of the bride always runs the show. And the father of the bride is the third most important person, ‘cause he’s the one who pays for the whole shindig.” Jacob wondered, “But what about the groom?” I responded cynically, “Oh, he’s a distant fourth—in most weddings he’s little more than a prop.” Just then the stall door opened and a handsome, if slightly nervous looking, young man in a tuxedo emerged. “Hi,” he said. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Joe, the groom.”

—Ron Rienstra

Just Kidding?

Two guys were out fishing one day, an elder and a deacon. They weren’t catching anything, so they decided to move to another spot. All at once they were catching one fish after another. They decided to mark the spot so they could come back the next day. As the deacon rowed back to shore, the elder asked him if he had marked the spot. The deacon said, “Yes I did. I put an X on the side of the boat.” “You dummy!” the elder exclaimed. “What if we don’t get the same boat tomorrow?!”

—Richard Tuitman

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was out in the country, and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew. The workers were eating lunch, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. So the diligent pastor went to the open grave—where the vault lid was already in place—and poured out his heart, preaching an impassioned and rather lengthy message. He returned to his car, feeling that he had done his duty and rejoicing in a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say to another, “I haven’t seen anything like that in the 20 years I’ve been installing septic tanks.”

—George Vander Weit

A Sunday school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close:

“They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

—P.J. De Vries