Seen in Ebbetts Pass Sporting Goods Store in Arnold, Calif.,
—this promise: “Children who are not supervised while in the store will be given a cup of espresso and a free puppy.”
While we were there, everyone was well behaved.
—Cornelius J. Witt
I went to the store to buy a large bag of Purina Dog Chow and was waiting in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. I was feeling a bit crabby so I responded, “No, I’m starting the Purina diet again. I probably shouldn’t because, although I lost 50 pounds in a matter of weeks, the last time I was on this diet I landed in the hospital with tubes in my nose and IVs in my arms.”
Her eyes just about popped out of her head as she listened intently, so I continued, “The package says the food is nutritionally complete, which makes it an easy and inexpensive diet. All you do is load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and eat one or two every time you feel hungry.”
“But why did you end up in the hospital?” the woman questioned. “Was there something in the dog chow that made you sick?”
“Not at all,” I replied. “I was sitting in the street licking my leg when a car hit me.”
—George Vander Weit
A man recently bought a car with GPS. Being technologically challenged, he excitedly asked, “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”
The GPS replied, “Practice, practice, practice.”
This prayer may not be appropriate, but as an 81-year-old I appreciate it:
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway; the good fortune to run into the ones I do like; and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Some years ago, upon returning to North America after a term of service in Africa, I ordered some books to restock my theological library. One of the titles was Christian Spirituality: Five Views of Sanctification. The terse note back from the mail-order bookstore immediately caught my attention, and I wasn’t sure if it referred to my order or to the current state of society: “Christian Spirituality is out of stock. Will ship ASAP.”
Timmy was in the garden, filling in a hole, when his neighbor looked over the fence. Curious about what the youngster was doing, he asked politely, “What are you up to there, Timmy?”
“My goldfish died,” said a tearful Timmy without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
Concerned, the neighbor remarked, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Timmy pressed down the top of the mound, then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
The best humor in the world takes place in a first-grade classroom. After a discussion with my class about some of their family rules, we produced a booklet called Rules for Raising Rascals and Ruling the Roost. It included rules for riding in the car, rules for visiting grandparents, and general rules, but the best page was “Rules for Church”:
- Don’t kick the bench.
- Sing only church songs.
- Don’t slap the Bible shut.
- Don’t laugh unless the minister makes everyone laugh.
- Don’t throw wrappers from candy on the floor, in the racks, or anyplace where people can see.
- Only open Lifesavers when the organ plays.
- Shut your eyes during prayer, at least at the start.
One day while going for a walk with my 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter, we needed to take a pit stop at the local coffee shop. My daughter spoke up as we entered the restroom, “We going into the girl’s washroom ’cause the boys are naked.” I was somewhat confused until I looked again at the signs: