Caring for Aging Parents

My parents need more support, but my siblings don’t want to help. How can I get them to step up and honor their father and mother?

It’s disorienting and emotional to see our parents needing increased support, and all sides might struggle to see the needs and the best way to meet them. Needs constantly change as parents age and their health declines, and it’s a role reversal on both sides for children to care for their parents. Honoring our parents involves respectful, compassionate care, yet there are different ways to provide it.

If you can divide the workload among the siblings, that can make the burden lighter. Meet together to discuss how best to care for your parents, but realize your parents might also have strong opinions about what care they will accept. Sometimes the needs must be seen in concrete terms to discern what help is needed. Spell out your parents’ needs and what you can and cannot do to meet them. Sometimes siblings might see things completely differently, and it might be challenging to make a plan together. It might take time for some siblings to understand their changing roles. Do your best to work as a team for the sake of your parents.

Choose to believe that your siblings are doing the best they can with what they have available to them. Some siblings might struggle emotionally to step in to care for their parents, especially if that relationship has had tension. Some siblings might lack the emotional or physical capacity to be supportive. Believing in their best intentions will free you from being angry with them.

If the needs progress beyond what you are able to do, don’t hesitate to widen the circle of support. Trying to do everything is a recipe for burnout and conflict, so enlist professional help. Perhaps a social worker can help you find community resources, bring in medical help, or point you to a supportive living situation to meet the needs of your parents. Don’t let caring for your parents become a dividing wall in your family.