An elderly woman who listened daily to a call-in radio pastor decided one day to call his show.
“Pastor,” she said, “I have been blind since birth. I don’t mind because I have never known what it’s like to see. However, I have some friends who keep telling me that if I had more faith, I would be able to see. I’m worried that I don’t seem to have any more faith now than when I became a Christian. What should I do?”
After a long pause the pastor responded, “Ma’am, do you own a cane?”
“Yes, I do,” she replied. “I carry one everywhere I go.”
“OK, then,” responded the pastor. “This is what you do. The next time one of your friends says that if you had more faith you would be able to see, I want you to whack them over the head with your cane. Then tell them that if they had more faith, it wouldn’t hurt!”
Steve had graduated from high school, and it was time to cash in on the promised car.
Steve: “Dad, remember you promised me a car for my graduation? I graduated with good grades and perfect attendance; I met all the conditions.”
Dad: “Not quite, Steve. You promised to get a haircut, and you never did.”
Steve: “But Dad! Moses, Samson, and Jesus all had long hair!”
Dad: “I know, Steve, but THEY ALL WALKED.”
An irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded to know where her Sunday paper was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the customer said triumphantly, “I’ll bet that’s why no one was in church today, too!”
Theological light bulb jokes:
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many Arminians?
Only one, but first the bulb must want to be changed.
How many Charismatics?
One, since his or her hands are in the air anyway.
How many TV evangelists?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation. . .
How many Modern Evangelicals?
It doesn’t matter as long as we love each other.
How many Independent Baptists?
Just one. Any more than that would be considered ecumenical.
How many Evolutionists?
None. The light bulb will change itself . . . it will just take billions and billions of years.
How many Lutherans?
Seventeen. Five to form a committee to find and nominate nine people to a committee which shall then discuss the issues of light bulb changing, for which that committee shall appoint three other people to carry out the final resolution of the second committee—which is that one person shall supervise while one changes the bulb, and one will follow up in one month’s time to investigate the performance of the bulb.
—compiled from various sources by Banner staff
Tommy’s mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. The mom smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Tommy “baptizing” the cat in a tub of water. She called out, “Tommy, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”
Tommy looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”