I just dropped my child off at college. I’m not coping very well, and I sense that my child is not either. What can I do?
This is a big change for a family. As a college professor, I get a front-row seat to campus visits, move-in day, and the difficult goodbyes. What I also get to observe is how students adjust once parents leave to go back home.
The students who seem to adjust well are confident their parents are doing OK too.
When we drop our children off to preschool for the first time, we’re taught to demonstrate warmth and confidence. As soon as the child sees our anxiety, the child feels it too. The college transition seems to have a similar dynamic.
With four children of my own in elementary school, I understand that the bond we have with each of our children is different given their birth order, sex, and even how their personalities either clash or connect with our own. I anticipate the college transition will feel quite different with each of my children. The truth is, though, we as parents can sometimes become too emotionally enmeshed with our children as we age and they develop. We can idolize them and their achievements, and their identity becomes ours. As your role changes, you might want to consider that your adolescent might be filling a void in your life that might be better filled with intimacy with Christ and your spouse.
Raising our children to be confident enough to consider moving out of our house, much more, far away is a sure sign you have done a good job developing confidence and security in them. You should be proud of yourself that they want to be independent.
The college years shape and develop young adults in incredible ways. Be their prayer warrior, fill their pantry when you come visit, and remind them of how proud you are of them. See this as an opportunity to rearrange the roles you have in your home: take on new hobbies, spend special time with your spouse or your children left at home, and try to enjoy this new part of your journey.
Trust that God and his people will watch over them, just as you’ve always prayed and done.
About the Author
Tara Boer, LISW, is a professor of social work at Dordt University and a licensed mental health therapist. She is a member of Hope Christian Reformed Church in Hull, Iowa. Website: drtaraboer.com.