My Spouse Runs to Her Parents When We Have Problems. Is This Best?

My spouse runs to her parents when we have problems. Does she think their opinion is more important than mine? It’s causing trouble.

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” —Genesis 2:24

I remember the first time we got into a big argument. My husband and I had been married for about five months, we had just moved 1,500 miles away to central Florida, and I was still navigating being an adult and dealing with my temper tantrums. I slammed the house door, got in my car, drove to a nearby church parking lot, and cried.

When I was finished exchanging words with God and dried up my tears, I went home and said I was sorry to my husband.

And I was.

I didn’t have anyone else, and we had to figure this out together. I have since found that having only God and my husband during that time was one of the healthiest things we could have done for our marriage.

It’s common, and often expected, that after children get married, they should live nearby to support the farm, business, or simply maintain the intertwined life from their upbringing. In some ways, it’s an incredible testament to God’s faithfulness to our families that we draw near to each other after big changes. There’s no doubt that there is beautiful potential for families to establish a solid support system for each other. But as a therapist, I’ve seen these adult relationships become unhealthy when the command to “leave our father and mother and cleave to our spouses” (NKJ) is not prioritized. “Cleave” can be defined as “cling, stick, hold fast; to be strong and loyal.”

Adult children and their spouses should feel permission and freedom to be obedient to Christ by choosing their own family traditions, careers, geographic location, places to educate their children, and a place to worship without feeling like they are disappointing their parents. Parents also benefit by inviting, not expecting, their children to participate in extended family life through family gatherings and celebrations.

Offering support to their child’s growing family and loving them well during hard times are beautiful ways to come alongside them. But neither parents nor their adult children should feel guilt or shame in choosing to keep their lives moving forward in their separate households, however they choose to do that. These boundaries are healthy and tend to allow the two homes to live obediently and in a united way. What a blessing it is to see God demonstrate his faithfulness through the unique lives and callings God gives to each of us and our children!