Ms. Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him what story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.
Pointing to each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius, the pilot!”
Rev. Howard Dunn had the reputation of going off topic while preaching and being rather dull and dry in doing so. One particular Sunday, a newcomer to the congregation fell asleep during one of Pastor Howard’s dry and dusty asides that went on too long. When the sermon ended and the parishioners filed out, Pastor Howard’s wife noted this newcomer, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “I’m Gladys Dunn,” to which the newcomer groggily replied, “So am I.”
—Bernard De Jonge
It was a beautiful sunny Sabbath morning when the pastor got up and thought to himself, “I really need to get out there and play a round of golf.” As he went about his Sunday morning routine, he decided to do something about it.
He called the youth pastor and coughed, “I don’t feel at all well, could you cover for me this morning?” He coughed again.
The youth pastor, being full of youthful exuberance exclaimed, “I’d be happy to take over for you. You just take care of yourself—everything’s in good hands.”
The pastor hung up the phone and pumped his fist. He went downstairs and grabbed his golf clubs, snuck out to the garage, and put the clubs in the trunk of the car.
“Now all I have to do is wait until church starts,” he smiled.
Once everyone was seated and the doors were closed the pastor slowly pulled his car out of the garage and drove to the local golf course.
The scene switches heaven-ward. The angels are looking down sadly as the pastor drives away. Gabriel asks, “What are you going to do about this?”
Michael shakes his head and says, “You take care of it, Gabriel, however you see fit.”
So Gabriel goes down to earth and on his return to heaven Michael asks him, “Well, what happened?”
Gabriel beamed, “I caught up with him at the fifth hole. Four hundred yards, dogleg right, par five, and, oh, yeah, a fierce crosswind. I put it in the cup for him for a hole in one!”
Michael said, “What kind of punishment was that?”
Gabriel smiled slyly and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”
The newlyweds slept in one Saturday morning. The young lady rolled over and said to her new husband, “Why don’t you get up and make the coffee? It says in the Bible ‘Hebrews,’ doesn’t it?”
There was this guy who had been lost in the desert for about two weeks. One hot day, he stumbled upon the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawled up to the house and collapsed on the doorstep. The missionary found him and nursed him back to health. Feeling better, the man asked the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the door, he saw a horse. He went back into the house and asked the missionary, “Can I borrow your horse and send it back to you when I reach the town?”
The missionary said, “Sure, but there is one special thing about this horse. You have to say, ‘Hallelujah’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man said, “Sure, OK.”
So he got on the horse and said, “Hallelujah.” The horse started walking. Then he said, “Hallelujah, hallelujah,” and the horse started to trot. Feeling really brave, the man repeated “Hallelujah” over and over and the horse just took off.
Pretty soon the man saw a cliff coming up, and he did everything he could to make the horse stop.
“Whoa, stop, hold on!!!”
Finally he remembered, “Amen!!”
The horse stopped 4 inches from the cliff. The man leaned back in the saddle in relief and sighed, “Hallelujah.”
A man walked into the doctor’s office and told the receptionist that he had shingles. She said, “Take a seat, and a nurse will be with you very soon.” After a long wait the nurse came to get him and asked, “What’s the reason you’ve come to our office?” He replied, “I have shingles.” The nurse showed him into an examination room, told him to take off his clothes, and said that the doctor would be in to see him. After a long wait the doctor came in, introduced himself, and asked, “What do you have?” The man said, “I have shingles.” “Oh,” the doctor said, “where do you have them?” To which the man replied, “They’re outside in my truck.”
—Gerard W. Venlet