Grief in Disguise

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I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief. This quote, attributed to C.S. Lewis, hit deep. Very deep. When I first read the quote several years ago, it ushered in so many emotions, so many tears. Suddenly, so much made sense that before had been nothing but frustration and confusion.

I’ve since learned that many emotions, feelings, words, actions, and reactions can all be grief in disguise. Healing is not linear; neither is grief. Grieving rarely looks like one thinks it will. And sometimes grief masks itself as something else altogether.

This morning, I woke up feeling “down” and I didn’t know why. I went to bed feeling just fine. No bad attitudes, no real issues with my day. It was a day just like any other, and so when I woke up feeling like I could cry, it made me ask the big why.

Deep-seated things of the soul sometimes surface at the most unusual times, in the most unusual ways. Today, my early morning unbidden tears felt like sorrow, as though something or someone had died, and I didn’t know it. Only I did, deep down. And I didn’t want to acknowledge the loss I felt deep within; still, it surfaced and manifested as melancholy tears.

You see, someone had died two days prior—a relative that I didn’t really know. And so, while I wasn’t really grieving the person, for I didn’t know much about him, I was experiencing grief over the lack—the lack of knowing, the lack of family, the lack of relationship. What was missing all along, and now impossible to rectify, caused grief due to what never was.

I wonder now what kind of person he really was. What did he like and dislike? What kind of personality did he have? Would we have clicked, been kindred spirits? What kind of relationship might we have had? I wonder what could have been. And it grieves me that I’ll never know.

Today, I am spending time giving grief the space it needs, so that grief doesn’t have to display itself another way. So that grief can transition into healing. So I can move forward in a healthy manner.

I’ve learned experientially that when grief is revealed, it’s best to face it instead of stuffing it back down, because sooner or later it will emerge again. Grief in disguise will manifest itself one way or another. “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open” (Luke 8:17, NIV).

I once spent a season simmering in anger. Something I thought was healed wasn’t. And I was angry. I even went to counseling. And when the counselor couldn’t seem to get to the root of the problem, I frustratingly said, “I just feel like I’m grieving,” to which he replied, “That’s it! You need to grieve.” I thought I was angry, but the anger was just grief in disguise. When I grieved, the anger left.

A loss here, a disappointment there. It all adds up. With interest. Compounded. Daily. Grief upon grief creates myriad emotions and outbursts. Been there, done that, yelled at people I had no business yelling at.

Now I know to examine my feelings and emotions beyond surface level. If I want to be healthy, healed, and whole, I’ve got to go deep. I’ve got to understand what’s behind the feeling or emotion I’m experiencing.

The whole purpose of a disguise is to conceal. Grief avoids detection by preventing recognition. Such a disguise allows me to keep on keeping on without facing the main issue. My main issue this morning wasn’t feeling down and teary-eyed. It was grief in disguise. My main issue at the counselor’s office wasn’t anger. It was grief in disguise.

If the enemy can keep the main thing from being the main thing, I remain unhealed. My myriad emotions, feelings, outbursts, and reactions to people and situations kept me in bondage for years. But when I grieved the loss of people, relationships, dreams, and more, I experienced so much inner healing.

Most people don’t want to grieve, but I do. Grieving is a gift. I’ve experienced so much healing from grieving past hurts, offenses, and losses that I cannot view grief any other way.

My loving heavenly Father knows what I need, and sometimes I need to grieve. The world can be harsh, and loss of myriad kinds is very real. Grief in disguise is an invitation to go deeper, to discover more, to experience greater healing.