People Skills: Your Relationships Are Only As Strong As Your Skills

A few weeks ago, I attended a writer’s conference in which the stakes were high. Or at least, that was my focus as I thought about what I hoped to accomplish while I was there. On several levels, I was pitching myself and my work in the hopes of getting a new book published and hopefully finding a new literary agent to represent me. It didn’t help that my usual stretcher bearers, my writer’s group, would all be absent. I would be on my own. My mood: anxious and vulnerable.

Then I read something in People Skills by Christian therapist Debra Fileta that incited a shift in the way I was approaching the conference: “When you step into a setting with new people, is your focus on how they are perceiving you or on how you can bless and encourage them?”

The shift that happened in that moment was profound. In one hand I held my personal and professional goals, but in the other, I tried to live into this sentence:

“I am there to serve, not to perform. I am there to give, not receive.”

Wow, what a difference this “people skill” made for me as I looked for people to encourage and bless with my experience and empathy for just how hard the publishing industry can be.

I read about this concept in a chapter called “Social Anxiety,” which is ironic because going into the book, I would not have thought I had any social anxiety to speak of! But it was a game changer, for the conference and beyond.

“So bring the good gifts God has given you to give to your next social interaction and remember that it is better to give than to receive,” Fileta writes. “And watch how that one thought changes everything.” This echoes Acts 20:35.

This seemingly simple idea is one of 31 people skills Fileta unveils in this winsome, engaging, and wise book. Scripture flows through its pages, and so does Fileta’s deep insights into the workings of the mind and emotions. It’s therapeutic in the best possible way.

As a writer, Fileta is funny and real and a pleasure to read. She delves into the power of affirmation, forgiveness, humor, and kind assertiveness. Readers will be familiar with many of the people skills mentioned, but will find new ways to apply these good ways of being in the world.

“Are my people skills serving me by conveying my love or sabotaging me by convoluting my love?” That is the question posed at the beginning of the book. By the end, readers will learn how to love themselves; others (even the most difficult, complex relationships); and their relational, connecting, loving God better. It’s ideal for small groups, church leadership teams, and for personal enrichment at home, at work, and at play. (Harvest House)