WARNING! If you’re uncomfortable reading frank discussions on topics related to human sexuality, please skip this post.
Next Sunday I’m preaching a sermon on the seventh commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exod. 20:14). Lord’s Day 41 of the Heidelberg Catechism makes it abundantly clear that this is only a summary of God’s will for how we deal with our sexuality both as married folks and as singles. Since our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, how do we live lives that are morally pure, chaste, and holy?
I can’t get too explicit in the sermon because little ears are listening. So I thought I’d use this blog to address those in the congregation who would like some straightforward answers on sexual morality, especially from a reformed biblical point of view. If you as a non-West Ender care to tune in as well, feel free. And if you have further questions, send them in and I’ll gladly answer those as well—reserving the right, of course, to give the honest answer I proffer most often: “I don’t know.”
So here are the most commonly asked questions parishioners have asked me in my 33 years of ministry experience. Not everyone will agree with my answers, I’m sure. But we can discuss that.
Q. Is it wrong for married persons to have sex with people other than their spouse even if their spouse doesn’t mind?
A. Yes.
Q. Is exotic sex okay (e.g. oral, anal, toys, etc.)?
A. Sure, as long as you’re married, you do it in private, and it doesn’t gross or guilt out you or your partner.
Q. Does my spouse have the right to demand sex?
A. No. Paul does urge married Christians not to withhold themselves from each other (1 Cor. 7:1-6). But forcing oneself on a spouse is rape. To fulfill Paul’s call to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph.5:21), when to have sex and how often, needs to be negotiated. Crucial for a healthy married sex life is open communication in a loving relationship. If married couples aren’t having intimacy ever, it may be a good indicator that they need to get to work on their overall relationship. Get counseling by a qualified counselor sooner rather than later. However, there may also be deep-rooted physical or psychological reasons why couples can’t have sex. In that case they need to rest assured that they are as fully and truly married as any couple who can still enjoy an active sex life.
Q. Is it okay to have sex with animals?
A. No.
Q. Is it okay to have sex within a committed homosexual relationship?
A. The Christian Reformed Church teaches that homosexual orientation is not a sin, but homosexual practice is.
Q. Is it okay to view pornography?
A. No.
Q. What determines what’s pornographic? Context is a very important factor in determining what constitutes pornography. If the intent and overall effect is to turn people on sexually, then it’s a violation of God’s will that we live modest and holy lives. Does that mean that any material that shows the “naughty bits” or describes sexual scenes is pornographic? Reformed Christians are not agreed on that, or on where or how to draw the line. Maybe the best answer is the one given by the supreme court: “You know it when you see it.”
Q. Is masturbation morally wrong?
A. No, unless it becomes compulsive. However, the ideation that goes along with the physical act could be. God cares about what we think about as well as what we do. But general wisdom among counselors I’ve consulted is that it’s healthy, it’s fun, and you don’t bother anyone else with it. J
Q. Is it morally wrong for married people to do so?
A. No, unless it interferes with their shared sexual activity.
Q. Is premarital sexual intercourse wrong?
A. Yes. God wants us to build our relationships right. That means that we treat each other rightly from the start. As the relationship matures, so does physical intimacy. But sexual intercourse should wait until there’s a marital covenant that has been sealed and celebrated.
Q. My partner and I have been living together and we’re not married. We want to do the right thing. What is it?
A. Biblically speaking you’re already married—“they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24)—you just didn’t let the rest of us in on it. The right thing to do would be to make that full lifelong and legal commitment to each other and let your family and friends in on that by getting hitched. Some churches require you to live apart for awhile before doing that. Personally I don’t think that’s wise. When you live away from God’s norms, get back to those norms a.s.a.p. Of course, if your relationship is very bad and not at all promising, then you need to do the opposite—seek each other’s forgiveness and get out of the relationship now. Get out of an uncommitted relationship for your own sake as well as the other person’s sake.
Q. Is sexual sin worse than other sins?
A. No.
Q. If I’ve sinned sexually, then am I “tainted goods” forever?
A. No. God gives us as much grace in this area of life as any other. You can’t recover your virginity once you’ve lost it. But through God’s Spirit you can certainly recover holiness also in this area of life. How? By rededicating your life to walk in God’s ways. Even when we mistreat his

